Monday, August 24, 2009

Ask Noodles - Training Humans

A note from Max: What a great article Noodles has written to answer Cheriswan's question . In fact the question itself led me to start my weekly column on Thursdays on Training Humans. Enjoy Noodles' writing and great advice. And remember to send your questions to Noodles by email . Here's his address: And now, without further ado, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Noodles:

Hai Noodles!

I am an older rescue kitteh (actually I wuz 3 or 4 at the time) and when I wuz living at the dump (quite a cool place to visit, but very crowded with siteseers and other kittehs) I didn't learn the "cute" kitteh behaviors that seem to enhrall hoomans. Iz there a book or sumpfin to learn this stuff or should I keep trying to train my mom? Iz there a class she can take?


@cheriswan (Twitter)
Sent from my iPod

Hello Cheriswan!

Training humans can be a very laborious and time-consuming process, but if you stick with it and keep your patience it can really pay off big! Keep in mind as you begin that not all humans are created equal, some will take to regular training sessions better than others. The key is persistence and patience.

When it comes to endearing them to you, this is one of the more basic tricks to get through to them. First, be sure you have a very soft fluffy coat (if you are hairless the task can be somewhat more complicated, but certainly not impossible). Be sure to clean your face in direct view of the humans. They just can't get over the whole "lick your paw, rub face" move... they find it overly adorable. Follow that up with some foot licking (be sure to spread your toes apart wide!) and you will no doubt unlock their feeble minds. Beware! Do not lick your bum in front of them and certainly not in excess! They find that to be rude. Also, do not sit on their laps and lick your bum... this is apparently extremely offensive.

Once you have the plain sight bathing in place, you can up your game with a little leg rubbing. Basically, this involves "marking" them with your scent to say that you own them. They apparently interpret this as "I love you and think you're the bestest!" This can earn mad points and you mark your property in the process. Two birds one stone.

A third, and very effective, move is the always adorable, stretch, yawn, curl, snooze. Humans love when we stretch, our little expressions apparently become irresistible. If you can work in some twitching into your snooze routine, this is especially effective. I think this all stems from their busy lives... they hardly nap at all! No doubt they are jealous of our snoozing and much like watching a good movie, I suspect the sight of such luxurious and precise napping functions as a natural endorphin.

Use these three steps and you should be well on your way. I'd also like to point out that Max was inspired by your question and has decided to write regular "train your human" topical articles! Be sure to share your best tips and tricks. Together we can properly train and manipulate our human counterparts.




Anonymous said...

Well, this is certainly a very well thought out (and tried) column. I certainly agree with everything that was written. (signed: Smokey8 fr Twitter).

Morris said...

I also recommend napping with your paw tucked round your nose - irresistible to hoomans!

@morriscat xxx

Celebrity said...

Bernie Mac Celebrity Profile - Check out the latest Bernie Mac photo gallery, biography, pics, pictures, interviews, news, forums and blogs at Celebrity Ping!

Celebrity said...

Ilias Kanchan Celebrity Profile - Check out the latest Ilias Kanchan photo gallery, biography, pics, pictures, interviews, news, forums and blogs at Legend of Bangladesh!